[It felt good to hear Luke say that. It was good to know people cared and to have it confirmed.
But was that enough?
Sometimes after learning a truth like the one about Anakin’s future, things just aren’t ever the same as they were before. Ignorance had been bliss, but they had neither anymore, and Anakin couldn’t just pretend.
His reasons for staying away were many. He was dangerous, no more ignoring that now, a timed bomb set to go off, only he didn’t know when. He didn’t want to hurt anyone he cared about, but if it was a choice between heart ache and physically harming them, the former was his choice.
What uneven planes this put him on compared to everyone else. He would always be marked separate, and not part of the whole of their group. He carried a distinction now; he didn’t want it, no one wanted him to have it, but it was there and he couldn’t erase it, and they couldn’t erase it. Every new arrival from their universe would bring it up and he would be weighed and measure and judge against his future again and again, just as it was happening right now.
He knew Leia didn’t feel about him the way Luke did. He didn’t fault her for it. But he knew as long as she didn’t consider him family and didn’t want him there he couldn’t live in the same home as her.
As much as he tried to will away his emotions, he couldn’t. That had always been his handicap – such potential, such power, if only he could be a better Jedi. But his emotions were there, and he couldn’t deny they would make living with him through processing what he now knew keenly difficult.
Each reason stacked up against the other, until they were a wall stretch between him and Luke’s request.]
no subject
[It felt good to hear Luke say that. It was good to know people cared and to have it confirmed.
But was that enough?
Sometimes after learning a truth like the one about Anakin’s future, things just aren’t ever the same as they were before. Ignorance had been bliss, but they had neither anymore, and Anakin couldn’t just pretend.
His reasons for staying away were many. He was dangerous, no more ignoring that now, a timed bomb set to go off, only he didn’t know when. He didn’t want to hurt anyone he cared about, but if it was a choice between heart ache and physically harming them, the former was his choice.
What uneven planes this put him on compared to everyone else. He would always be marked separate, and not part of the whole of their group. He carried a distinction now; he didn’t want it, no one wanted him to have it, but it was there and he couldn’t erase it, and they couldn’t erase it. Every new arrival from their universe would bring it up and he would be weighed and measure and judge against his future again and again, just as it was happening right now.
He knew Leia didn’t feel about him the way Luke did. He didn’t fault her for it. But he knew as long as she didn’t consider him family and didn’t want him there he couldn’t live in the same home as her.
As much as he tried to will away his emotions, he couldn’t. That had always been his handicap – such potential, such power, if only he could be a better Jedi. But his emotions were there, and he couldn’t deny they would make living with him through processing what he now knew keenly difficult.
Each reason stacked up against the other, until they were a wall stretch between him and Luke’s request.]
I’m sorry, I just... can’t.